The Big Tipper

By Matthew Goulet

            The taxi screeched to a halt. Aaron Smeed threw his suitcases inside and dived after them.

            “To the airport,” he cried, “and hurry!”

            While the cab lurched through traffic, Aaron got his money ready. He put the five dollar bill in his right pocket – for the cabby, and the hundred dollar bill in his left pocket – for the plane ticket. He looked at his watch anxiously. He was cutting it pretty close.

            The taxi stopped and Aaron jumped out, juggling his luggage. He jammed a hand in his pocket and tossed the driver the bill, then ran for the ticket counter as the cab roared away.

            “Gee, what a generous guy,” the cab driver said to him self as he drove back to town. “The fare was only $3.50, and he gave me a five dollar bill.”

Don’t get me wrong, we here at In Blog we Trust love animals. In fact, I am a vegan. Animal lovers, on the other hand, frequently piss me off. Should we really shed a tear for the executed rat on Survivor? Must we feel the intense guilt at the mere purchase of a ham sandwich? Should we really be concerned about the rights and living conditions of laboratory paramecia? Long answer short, yes to all of the above.

Pardon me, I don’t mean to beat a dead horse (so to speak!), but some wildlife fanciers at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) just take things too far. Although the statements made are by no means based on factual evidence, and at times are of satirical nature, some of the issues raised are actually argued for by PETA members.

Only a true PETA extremist …

• …Would describe disrupting a night crawler hunt as a noble step towards “bait rights”
• …Would handcuff himself to a doomed heifer
• …Would care for a freed lab animal that’s trying to quit smoking
• ...Will try to reason with a mosquito
• …Fires off a stream of angry e-mails to his MP upon the discovery that they’re using roaches to test roach poison
• …Wills his body to wildlife nutrition
• …Will stay up for three straight days to draft a “Bill of Rights” for clams
• …Pickets the set of the latest Star Wars sequel until he’s convinced that no computer generated alien wildlife was harmed during the production
• …Will fret more about the dairy cow that produced the milk than the missing ten-year-old pictured on the carton.

In the great circle of life, as one thing dies, another is born to take its place. And so it was with the great rock and roller Elvis Presley. Almost immediately after his death, a bevy of Elvis impersonators were born to fill our primal need to watch a sweaty, gyrating guy in a sequined jumpsuit. Sadly, many of these impersonators are now a bit past their prime and are suffering the slings and arrows that frequently accompany old age. Many of these hardworking performers have simply been forgotten, cast off to the dustbin of showbiz. But you’ll remember, when Matt exposes… heartbreaking problems of aging Elvis impersonators.

1)      Elvis’ trademark motto “T.C.B.” has, sadly, become just another everyday nursing home staff code word.

2)      Few, if any, health care plans provide for the nearly bi-monthly hip replacements due to the legendary Elvis dance moves.

3)      There are currently no provisions to allow aging Elvis impersonators to die with dignity, on their own toilet.

4)      Frequent memory lapses cause him more and more to forget why he “left the building”

5)      The classic Elvis lip curl now causes previously unforeseen problems, such as the falling out of dentures.

6)      A society conditioned to choose between “skinny Elvis” and “Fat Elvis” is simply unprepared to add “Dementia-Addled Elvis” to the mix.

7)      There is woefully inadequate funding to provide grilled peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwiches in the Meals on Wheels program.

8)      The overwhelming depression that sometimes accompanies Male Pattern Sideburn Baldness.

9)      The lines of the classic Elvis jumpsuit simply cannot stand up to the rigors of a fully-loaded, heavy-duty Depends.